I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
