I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
