Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
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