good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
