nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize