new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
