my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
