fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize