i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
