i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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