There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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