I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
