The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
