don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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