meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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