planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize