i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
if i died would you start the facebook group?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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