We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
