And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
