is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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