Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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