My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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