Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
