My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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