hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
