enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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