If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
