take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
