they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
