96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
