She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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