So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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