remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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