Michael Bay diarrhea
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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