If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
