As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
