u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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