her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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