I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
