life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
