Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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