First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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