i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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