I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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