I think i peed on brittanys purse
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just forgot I was standing up.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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