i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize