listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
