That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
