At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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