I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
now i know why i became what i already was.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
