i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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