I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
