I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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