The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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