ya dads aren't the best wingmen
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
