even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
