Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i think i just lost a toe
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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