i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
