i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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