I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
