My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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