wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
